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Where our balance comes from?

Before this traveling adventure, we have been on the road for almost 1, 5 years before coming back to Denmark and then leaving again. I have experienced same things and felt this same feelings before.

I undertand that we learn by repeating same things, patterns, reactions and then learning from them (some of us).

I understand that none of the life lessons is the one we grasp and master after only one try. I see the beauty in raising and falling over and over again.

And even when we need to fall deep and when the pain comes along the learning path, I find it as valuable and beautiful as ups and sun rays. I don’t want to live any other way.

And I learned how the traveling life is both adventure, beauty and fun but also struggle and frustration and pain. Nothing comes without shades of everything and life really does have wonderful and colourful shades of everything.

Our full time travel life is not an exception.

I learned last time that co-traveling and co-living for us gives opportunities to be and experience this life from sides that are most beneficial for us as individuals and for us as a unity/family. But that choice doesn’t come without the price.

And the price is to accept and learn from our struggles. I experience last 2 weeks how what gives us joy also makes us tired. We are 5 individuals that are so different even when we want and wish for the same. Some of us are introverts and some are social butterflies with very longlasting energies. Some of us need to recharge for a long stretch of time, some need quietness and very few contact and “less is more” gives much more than it takes away.

Some of us are people pleaser, some of us value contacts and shared time and experiences and others find quite corner in private room the biggest treasure.

And I am often the center of our little hive - the queen bee that flies around each and every one of individuals and tries to make everyone satisfied. I take the hit so hard when my attempts fail and my ever living feeling of “not being enough” lives its fullest in these periods and situations.

But when I am ready to listen (and accept), find peace with it, the biggest learning comes to me. My children are most beautiful reflections of my own inner world: their struggles, their needs and imbalance in way of being is just another mirror of my own needs and failures to meet the same.

At this moment our middle child has been showing the signs of disfunktion for last 10 days, maybe even longer if I am completely honest.

First it was all the people and things she was missing. Then it was all the needs she had and was able to express but not being met in (partially or completely) because there was not time and space for that. Moving around because of our housing problems (which is a theme for a whole another post) didn’t help, either. And then it is a whole aspect of co-traveling and having so many activities in the calendar. When we travel slow or have a base at the same place, standing still comes very easily to us, but co-traveling aspect of living here makes it hard. We want a lot, but in reality we need bits.

And that reflects from inside out.

So I step back and reflect into my inner world: why am I deceiving myself that I am balanced out? Am I really in a balance moving fast, sharing, connecting but at the same time disconnecting from myself and my own family?

Am I in a balance when I easily tip over and feel overwhelmed?

No. I am not in a balance. I try to be the queen bee but in realty I am to tired to please everyone. I want a lot, I feel the excitement to produce, be creative, to jump from one activity to another and to share time and energy with many. In realty I need stillness, less, slow flow of what is wanted and what is needed.

So from here: how can I bring myself to the inner balance and then how can I offer the same to my children/us as a family?

My child is reactive, she screams and hits and her feelings can’t be transferred into the words and it is frustrating for her and us that she can’t help herself. I judged my competences as a parent in these periods. I wish so many things I don’t feel I do posses.

And then my partner holds space for me and reflects back, giving a different perspective on the situation: that when I am able to reflect and honestly look inwards, I am creating a new potent soil for the growth to happen.

Now it feels raw and hard to sit with all these insights and feel helpless not knowing where to start with.

And here reflecting back at the other periods of our (travel) life brings me back to a knowledge already gained. To look even deeper inside, to slow down, to come back to my self as the home I am to myself and then to be there for others. Missing out on the things that are nice but then saving my energy to give it away there where needed most.

I already know that I need to meet my children (my self and world) from the place of love and at this moment I feel frustrated more than anything else.

That is why I am stepping back and reflecting before I react and act.

I know I need to slow down. I need to be more present. I need to ask and then also listen to the needs I am trying to meet. Even when that doesn’t match the dreams we all hold onto.

Did I say that the traveling life is easy?

I most certainly don’t think or feel so.

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